michelle tillis lederman

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Karen Holst:

Hi, I'm Karen Holst author of Start Within with my coauthor Douglas Ferguson. And this week we have a guest-



Douglas Ferguson:

Hey there.

Karen Holst:

Yeah. This week we have as a guest, Michelle Tillis Lederman. She is an expert connector. She is one of Forbes top 25 networking experts, which, that's huge and an author of Connector's Advantage. So we're so excited to talk to her about this moment that we're in and how connections can really matter in making our ideas happen, whether we're within a small organization or a large corporation. So Michelle, thank you for joining us.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

I'm excited to be here.



Karen Holst:

Great. So just to kick it off, things have changed so much in the last few months and what this actually means to connect and how this is all shifting. I would love to hear from you what you're seeing and what that really means.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

I'm actually seeing some really beautiful things happening in the form of connection, because this has been a great excuse. I mean, a horrible excuse, but a great excuse to reach out to people we haven't been in touch with. I had a Zoom last week with people I went to business school with 20 years ago. We are getting together with people in communities that we might not have been able to access as frequently because of the need to travel or other obligations. And now, we can.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

So it has benefited connection in a lot of different ways, in the consistency of those conversations, but also in how we're letting people in. So, I'm curious what those antlers are behind Douglas and we are now seeing into peoples homes and into the interruptions of their homes with the cattails and the dogs barking. And I put mine outside right now, so hopefully it'll stay quiet.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

But what that enables an organizations, is a more connected culture because we've become more accepting of those interruptions and we're interested in the environment people are in and that's what connection really forms. It doesn't form on what we do for a living, it forms on what we care about and our common interests and our common curiosities and our common experiences. And so, I am loving how this is enabling connection.

Karen Holst:



Yeah, that's such a great response. And I would love to introduce the audience the idea of sharing where you're coming from, if you're here live just so we can start to understand who's joined us and who's on here with us. So yeah, I totally get this moment that it's changed the feelings that we get when we connect, how has it changed how we connect with new people and find those new connections?



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

So, it's different. I'm seeing so many individuals and groups create more and more opportunities. So all of that networking that we used to do at events, we're now doing on Zoom, and yes there's some Zoom fatigue, but I have found that people are really leveraging the breakouts. And if you can get on one of those where you get a breakout, it's the same thing as being at a table with a group and having that chitchat happen.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

But we have to be a little bit more structured about it. So, when I do some of these events, or if I'm doing a webinar for a group, I'll have a question and I might say, share one silver lining you've experienced or share what you're looking forward to most after quarantine or whatever it might be, and it gets them talking. So it's really enabling that conversation to happen through a screen. But I will tell you I've hired people, had them work for me for three, five years, never met them in person, but they feel like a little sister, because when you do have the video, it makes a difference.



Karen Holst:

Yes. Yes. Well, and also and knowing what you write about and talk about, there's an idea around the mindsets going into this. And we talk about that within Start Within as well, that doers being able to roll up their sleeves and be optimistic and willing to take on the challenges and pivot as they go. What are some of the mindsets that come with being a connector and making an impact?



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

So in the book I talk about seven mindsets of connector. I'll list them off, and then the one I'm going to focus on based on that question is probably abundance, but I have to count them off, otherwise I don't remember them all. Connectors are open and accepting, they have a clear vision. They trust, they believe in abundance, they are social and curious, they're conscientious and they have a generous spirit. So, those are the seven mindsets that we focus on. And you'll see what happens is that they enable each other.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

But one of the things that you've said that brought my attention to abundance is that optimism, right? That belief that things will be okay. And that's a tough belief right now, and that's a tough belief in general because scarcity is tangible, right? We can feel the lack of something, but it's hard for us to believe in the possibility of something. And that's why it's truly a mindset that we have to embrace and there's techniques.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

And actually, when we got on, we did a little chit chat before this all started. And the question I wanted, how are you holding up, right? How's it going for you? And this isn't the best time in life, but I focus on the things I'm grateful for. And one of the ways to adopt that abundant mindset is to consider what you're grateful for and to have a practice of gratitude. And so, I constantly remind myself of all I have to be grateful for rather than focusing on all the things like the fact that I was supposed to leave for Africa tomorrow. But hey, I'm healthy. Hey, I can close my door and hide from my children.



Karen Holst:

Yeah. Then we also talked a bit about how this work has meaning in the moment of social injustice and how it can apply to that. And I would love to go deeper and what that means to you and the work that you're doing.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

It's so interesting, I have a chapter, a whole section of the book called How To Be An Inclusive Connector. This book has been out for over a year, so this is just something that is in the mindset of being a connector is to connect to different types of people with different backgrounds, different mindsets, different education, all those differences that can be out there because that broadens our thinking and it broadens our access.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

And so, I talk about how we can do that, but it also brought me all the way back to the beginning of the book where the first mindset I focus on is being open and accepting. I pose four questions that we can ask ourselves in that moment of judgment, because that's what we do. And I'm not criticizing it, it is a natural human instinct to form conclusions. And it's part of the fact that we are an advanced species with really fast working brains.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

In order to stay open and accepting, what we have to do is slow our thinking down, we have to move from the unconscious conclusions to conscious conclusions and we have to stay in a place of curiosity. So, I'm going to give our listeners four questions. They don't have to ask themselves all of them, but if they ask themselves even one or two of them in that moment of what do I think about this situation? What do I think about this person? Maybe, right, we give somebody a little bit longer of an opportunity to form an opinion.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

So what don't I know, right? What don't I know about them, what don't I know about the situation? How else could I interpret that behavior or what could be another reason for that behavior, right? And it doesn't have to be a good reason. It doesn't have to be the real reason, just even if coming up with a crazy reason like body snatchers, will slow your thinking down. What if I'm wrong? What's the impact of the relationship? What's the impact on the work? What's the impact on society? And the last, am I trying to be right?



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

I didn't love this question because I was like, why do that, right? Sometimes we just look for data to prove the conclusions that we've already formed and we use that filter. And so, if we stay in that place of curiosity, we might allow ourselves to connect and to connect more broadly and to stay open to more people. And so, I realized that if we could do that, this world would be a very different place.



Karen Holst:

Yes. We actually, in our book also have an assumptions in mindsets section where we go through some exercise to bust your assumptions. And even in writing the book pre COVID, pre all the things that are going on right now, we had to go back and rethink the chapter. We're writing about assumptions and there's five layers to it, starting with you yourself, and then going out all the way out to the global world that you live within.



Karen Holst:

We looked at that chapter and writing it pre COVID, it needed to be addressed and considered how this might read in the moment now. And even in trying to write about letting go of assumptions, we still had some assumptions that were built in there, right? And we just, you have to base it on what you know. And I love that idea of letting go of truths and believing that you have it all figured out, and what if you don't? Take this to the back of body snatchers, it sounds extreme, but if that's the way to let go of something, it's a brilliant tip. I love that.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

I always say, be open to being wrong and embrace being wrong. And I have so many stories from my past of conclusions I might've drawn about somebody I was in school with, and then I realized how wrong I was. And I might've interpreted it being snubbed where the person was actually just being shy. And it's our own feelings of insecurity or self image or whatever it might be that we bring that is part of that conclusion. So, we need to put ourselves through that little bit of rigor.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

I want to also bring us back to the being inclusive, because I think those are the bookends of the book, but they're also the bookends of this idea in how we can broaden our connected thinking and our connectedness. And one of the things that we tend to do is we call out and we focus on differences because differences can tend to be obvious. You're one gender, I'm one gender, different age, different ethnicity, different religion, different whatever.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

But instead of focusing and seeing and stating the obvious differences, I want you to call out the similarities. I want you to be on a scavenger hunt and look for, and be on a mission in a conversation to find what we have in common, because there is always commonality, but the commonalities of the shared experiences or the shared values or the shared interests, or the shared causes, they're not visible and you have to look for them and then you have to highlight them. And that really can create a feeling of inclusivity and connectedness.



Douglas Ferguson:

I really love that idea of, it's really like being less divisive or less negative and it reminds me of positive deviance, which is awesome practice of concentrating on what works rather than what doesn't work. And let's just do more of that so that we can get more goodness. And so, this notion of what brings us together, what are our shared values, what do we have in common, it's awesome practice. I love it. How are you seeing that manifest or are there any good tactics? Because it's great to think about some concrete ways that people can adopt it.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

So, when we are back in physical spaces, one of the simple things you can do is when you are at an event, look for the person who seems the most uncomfortable, the most out of place and go introduce yourself and start a conversation. I used to have a rule of whenever I went to an event, I could sit next to one person I knew, but the other side had to be somebody I didn't know, and to make an effort to talk to that person. So, and to make sure you were sitting on ... Don't go in the seat there's no one around you, put yourself right there in the middle. Those are little things that you can do there.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

But when you are in these groups and you're on Zoom, one of the things that I think is fabulous and I've seen it happening a lot is you're taking down names and you're connecting with them on LinkedIn and say, oh, I saw you in that group, we didn't get a chance to be in a breakout together. Let's chat next time or let's this, or get a conversation going. So we can do those things with the people that we might not have naturally connected with. But something else that you said resonated for me, which is, I think you called it positive deviance or something like that.



Douglas Ferguson:

Yeah, yeah.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

One of the things I'm always talking about is language. When we choose language, stop doing this and don't. It's really hard to not do something. Instead, I want you to think about how can you frame a suggestion and what they can do versus what they can't, because that's action I can take versus action I need to suppress. And people, you told me upfront, my listeners are doers, so if I'm telling people don't do something it's against the grain of everybody who's listening right now. Instead find a way to say, here's action you can take, here's what you can do.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

And along with that, I want you to assume positive intent, and I think that goes hand in hand with what you were saying, Douglas, which is, let's focus on the good stuff. Well, let's assume that whatever we're seeing, what's the most positive interpretation I can have? What's the interpretation I'd like to have? And act as if that's what they meant. People will often step into that good interpretation.



Douglas Ferguson:

Yeah. I love that.



Karen Holst:

Yes.



Douglas Ferguson:

It reminds me of this Buddhist phrase that my friend often recants and I can't remember, I'm blanking on the specifics. Whenever when someone says positive intent, it always flips it around on me and I can't ... But basically it says that, don't take offense even when offense was intended. And so, I think that's so beautiful because most of the time, when you think offense was intended, it wasn't. And so, if we just assume it wasn't, then we're probably saving ourselves from doing something silly.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

Yeah. And God, with all of the, I think they call them trolls on the internet and all the negativity that you see there, keeping yourself from responding to it and inflaming and elevating those comments is process of release.



Douglas Ferguson:

That's right.



Karen Holst:

Yes. Thank you so much for joining us. And I also just love how this ties back in, when you're trying to bring in stakeholders to make an idea happen, that these connections, being open to different types ... The diversity and how you're interacting, all of that is so important in the work that's getting done. That the connections not only can make your idea happen, but they can also make it a better idea. They could stall an idea out and get in the way if they're not included or included in the wrong way. So there's so many important layers to this work.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

Well, you just hit the nail on the head because that is actually definition of the book. The Connector's Advantage is results faster, easier, and better. And what you just said, there's statistics that will back that up. People are viewed as more innovative when they are liked and when they have those connections, it's how the ideas are received. If you've ever noticed you'd been in a meeting and one person will say something and everyone's like no, and the next person says it and they're like, what a great idea, and let's play with that.



Michelle Tillis Lederman:

And what happens is how the idea is received and then played off of and morphed, you get credit for the innovative that ends because people played with you in that idea. So you were more influential, you were listened to, you're viewed as more innovative and people at the end of the day choose people to work with. They choose them for their vendors, for their supply. People do business with people they like, and it will win over product and it will win over price. The relationship always wins.



Douglas Ferguson:

Excellent. Well, thanks so much for joining us today. I think that takes us to our time and I feel like we could continue talking for a long time because this stuff's really fascinating and very applicable to the time we're in, but alas, we only have a certain amount of time and I just want to be respectful of your time. Thank you so much for being with us.



Douglas Ferguson:

To all the listeners, if you are interested, we're here every Friday and would love to have you potentially join us. So, if you're a reader of the book or thinking about these things, please do come spend some time with us. Thanks again for joining us, Michelle.